Studying with the snowman

He says it takes a village and there was no exception with him. His village is my family. He has been immersed in a culture that my occupation prevents me from being able to fully enter. I have my moments, my membership to different clubs and participation in different leagues of play but nothing like 25 years of being raised by a village.

He does not know it, or perhaps he is more aware than I give him credit for, but that village created a wonderful man. A guy who listens. Yes, a low threshold but most women have low expectations of men. Plus, he wears silly shorts and I sorta like that.

I find it comical that the man from a village does not recognize a woman with a specialized village community of her own. Queer it is, indeed.

Lamesauce

1st semester, week 8.

Two lost, perhaps more. Monday will solidify the numbers. At least it will be 4 more weeks until another review board. Then we will see a larger hit, we will have people recycled into the incoming class and still others will be sent home.

Sure, if I can swing it

I swing into the future, into the past. My life is a pendulum: rocking, soothing, ups and downs. I hoped that you could swing it my way. It was a gravitation and as innocent as that can be, perhaps it meant as much as I feel it does.

You accused me of being a smooth talker. I only spoke the truth. Admittedly, I wish I could spit game like I did then but unfortunately; it was raw truth stifled by circumstance.

You painted your signature on my back, relieved and satisfied standing above me. A texture uncommon to me, a fleeting experience. Forced into accepting weakness, a position not familiar, a desired intercourse. Communication always leads to this, manipulation of fear, strategic force, accepting weakness, successful interaction.

Humpty dumpty

How many times? How many times must I put Humpty Dumpty back together again? A broken conversation interspersed with tears falling from rounded cheekbones, tears cried once more. How do you tell Humpty that sometimes, it is not worth the fall? How do you tell Humpty not to jump instead of fall? How?

I was humpty over Humpty years ago. I let that go, I forgot how to leap into being humpty and how to take that fall. Instead, I soared openly into someone new but that didn't work either.

To stop Humpty from jumping; leaping down into the tears, into sadness, into confusion, I am asked to explain how I stopped being humpty over humpty. How do you explain to the vulnerable that you have to love to get past (the wrong) love? Is it possible to explore your biggest mistakes without having it hurt? When does the pain of remembering outweigh the positive of helping others? It wasn’t challenging to say no to the showers, it is harder to resist the cries for help, those echoes that should be in the past. How many times should one autopsy your fatal flaws for the benefit of Humpty?

5 month old Ayden brushing his teeth, wha?

Ayden is now a 5 month old puppy and we have certainly reached the "terrible twos" of puppyhood. Everything that we mastered in the last 3 months has been thrown out the window and we are relearning it all. Fortunately, he has always been a good pup and VERY responsive to treats and cuddles.

I sat on my patio watching Ayden play in the yard and it finally hit me (literally 3 months later)... this is my life. I live in Texas now and I have no idea how I got here, where I will go next, or where I will go after that. Somehow, I need to be okay with that. In some ways, it finally felt okay to be alone. At least I know that I can depend on myself, after all, who else have I ever depended on?

A song came on pandora entitled, "this is not your year," and I thought of many people. I did not think of myself though. Progress.

Who am I now?

You said you did not know yet who I was, meaning which role I would take in your life: a friend, a good friend, a lover.

Who am I now?

Can't Go Back Now

Copy and paste the following link into your browser, then read below. (I apologize for not knowing how to upload the video from a website)

http://youtu.be/6JscAwVu2QI

If the most important steps are the ones that we take alone then this step is my most important and I fully believe that. I often feel that every step that I have taken has been alone but that is a skewed belief. I have always had support, just not the support that I wanted or the support that I would have given. I have done my best to understand that it is impossible and improbable for a person to love someone for the things that they are not. Somewhat unfortunate is the truth that one must love others for the people they are, however temporary or permanent these traits may be. Supposedly, you cannot change others, most specifically the ones that you love. Heaven knows that I have tried. Sometimes, you cannot transform into the person that someone else wants to love. It may take a lifetime to find the perfect balance between two types of crazy.

My dad is a hard man to love. It takes more effort than it should. I am much the same.

My mom is a hard woman to understand. I share her disposition but I want her to be able to escape the melancholy that I have accepted defines me. I want her to escape the isolation that characterizes my existence. I presume she wants the same for me and these projections, love and want for something more for the other is the fatal flaw of our relationship.

In the end, you cannot go back now.

well, the old man just blew me a kiss

Today is the last day that I am able to enjoy the youth of 24. Tomorrow, I welcome the end of underage driving fees while renting vehicles and the comfort of being a mid-twenties, single female.

An otherwise successful, not self-proclaimed but by societal norms, young woman; my largest failure is being single. The highest value in life is love. The ability to decrease the inherent loneliness known to man. The belief that one person truly understands, respects, and supports your interests (individual and as a couple) above all else. Call me a romantic and I will say yes, an unsuccessful romantic.

One could chalk it up to timing. Admittedly, I grew tired and annoyed by the stagnation. I became childish and demanded attention through ridiculous statements and ideas. I wanted attention and reassurance, perhaps a deeper connection which was not mutually desired. I wanted to hold a hand that was already being held, or at a minimum was supposed to be held by another.

I was not mean though, just self loathing and incapable of accepting that I may have produced something better than I perceived it. Regardless of the quality, the action was genuine and the intent sincere. I wanted, above all, to show how love is supposed to be and how lovers should act.

There was a gravitation, an unexplained attraction. Improbable and relentless. If it were someone else, and not me, then I may even say it was wrong. If I could take it back then I wouldn't. A voice so comforting, a void not yet replaced. I hope that in the next year, I will be able to understand why it turned so sour. Maybe I will discover an explanation not given.