Flash forward

Seldom in life are you able to see a potential future through others. Or, perhaps we see our future selves constantly and are unable to see the things that we envy or those that infuriate us could be the future us.

Often, I put up walls when I meet people for the first time. It is almost as if I want to be liked so much that I have to put on a fake mask of exaggerated characteristics. That mask is called ass-hole-ish-ness. It is unintentional but results in me appearing, during that critical first impression, as conceited,  angry, righteous, among other undesirable descriptors.

The other day, I went on a meetup with a new friend. She made a horrible first impression. She was absent, self-absorbed, conceited yet interested in getting together. I am sure that her perfectly laid plan of grabbing coffee with the option to continue to karaoke at a local gay bar was among the best options for an initial greeting-- there was no pressure to continue to make conversation and to click.  There was also so little time between her fielding calls from friends/ angry ex-girlfriends that I barely felt like we really even met. I wonder how her mind is warping the other night today. Has there been a transformation of the conversation into something more intimate than what transpired? Or were my otherwise funny comments now interpreted as immature? Truly, it does not matter outside of me wanting to know how she warped into who she is so that I can ensure that I warp into something different than her.

I had hoped that we would be good new friends. I felt like there would be so much to learn from her and her experiences in the 16 years she has as my senior. Unfortunately, I learned it all in about 30 minutes. I guess it is too true what Hallie used to tell me... the walls have to come down.

*disclaimer: (usually disclaimers should never be used because you know that you are about to say something that you shouldn't) I am not intending in any way to be mean.

Thank you, angry, self-absorbed lady, you have given me more than I had hoped for... reason to be nicer and not so serious.

It seems like there is little to say lately. 


I really need to pick a thesis topic so that I can complete my 10 page submission by November 1st. I had high aspirations. I had high hopes. I wanted to do something so remarkable, insightful and interesting but everything I picked seemed to flop. My latest potential topic, out of desperation, involves a comparison of colon cancer treatments. I have a thing for booties so I hope this one sticks. 


My worries are bigger than the thesis paper. I feel a sense of my youth fading. A lost of the idea that there is still time to change/ make an impact. A 41 year old is hitting on me. She tells me not to worry about her age and I haven't. I hope we can be friends, there is so much that she knows now that I have not figured out yet. 


Otherwise, I keep thinking about timing, confident that in time, it will work itself out. 


A father and a son just rolled passed on a tandem bicycle. The boy was not holding onto the handlebars but he was in the position to let-go.