Advice

My facial wash says, "we came into this world with all the right instincts. Full of joy, excitement and a sense of wonderment."

My hair paste says, "apply a small amount to damp or dry hair with fingertips."

My shoes say, "simple. shoes for a happy planet."

Everywhere, there is both inspiration and instruction. I find that it can be a little overwhelming. The best advice I was ever given shocked my world. It was, "you cannot change them based on what you do."
I have agreed and disagreed with this advice.

It took me months to discover that regardless of how much I loved her, it would not make her love me back. It has taken me weeks to figure out, that even though I want it to be one way, others want it a different way.  I think the only way to make sure that what you are doing will influence others is to tell them what and why you are doing what it is that you are doing. Maybe this will help, maybe, even with the knowledge of your intentions, it stay the same.

She says she is good for me and that I am good for her. She says that I need someone to fuck up my life and my car every so often. If I had a dollar for every car she has messed up, then I would have more dollars than I have now.

Different she says she will keep her non-working hours free minus the hours spent celebrating a 15 year old boys birthday. It was in response to me keeping my non-studying hours free.

Still, another she doesn't say anything at all. Is it because I have not said anything first? who knows?

Another New Years in Seattle

Polar run and plunge is scheduled.

Plus, meeting up with all of my good friends, I cannot wait :)

tick tock

I used to hug my first girlfriend and tell her that I would only get better with time, that our love would only get better with time.  It did not exactly need improvement but I believe in a continuous process of improving.

At 25, and after a couple of recent debacles, I feel it is once again time to look back and see if I actually am better.  And the answer is yes, definitely better.

Just another love song

I know that I am supposed to write about love and growing up. I know that is the intent of and the expectation for this blog. I think though, that sometimes, love is that subtle thing that builds within a person until bursting into reality.

Sometimes, love is not about timing. Sometimes, love is not about forgiveness and sometimes love is not the belief inside every teenager of one chance at something real.  Sometimes, love is about sending gluten-free waffles to India and telling all of your friends that it is "what a real friend would do." And sometimes, love is sending a silly text message to break the proverbial ice, then getting your heartbroken when you do not receive a reply.

What remains about love is that it is always about yourself first, because lets face it, after a pint of ben and jerrys or a little too much halloween candy... the only one who is really going to want to lay next to you is either yourself, or that one person in your life.  The one that held your hand as you both climbed a mountain (proverbial or actual) and yelled from the top, for the first time, I do, love you.

Dexter Angles

Tonight, my buddies and I watched the latest (past sunday's) edition of Dexter. We generally wait until our tests are over until we watch the new episode, so, if we have a test on Monday morning then we cannot watch it live on Sunday evening.

Somehow, our first awareness of sex came about and I confessed that although I understood sex at a relatively early age, around 12, that the angle of intercourse was very confusing to me. I struggled as an adolescent female to understand the interpretation of the "angle of intercourse".  This was primarily due to a straight out angle depicted in cartoons (southpark, etc) versus the "tucked under the belt" concealing version of the male penis that I discovered in high school... okay, okay, my first year in college.

EITHER WAY! that angle was mad confusing.  How far we have come. Oh, and Dexter, amazing.  My friends, more than amazing. A great group, more than I had expected and even more than I would have hoped for.  I consider myself lucky as I move forward. Hoping for a new years in seattle.

xoxo,
until next time!
you're favorite chatty wino :)

Flash forward

Seldom in life are you able to see a potential future through others. Or, perhaps we see our future selves constantly and are unable to see the things that we envy or those that infuriate us could be the future us.

Often, I put up walls when I meet people for the first time. It is almost as if I want to be liked so much that I have to put on a fake mask of exaggerated characteristics. That mask is called ass-hole-ish-ness. It is unintentional but results in me appearing, during that critical first impression, as conceited,  angry, righteous, among other undesirable descriptors.

The other day, I went on a meetup with a new friend. She made a horrible first impression. She was absent, self-absorbed, conceited yet interested in getting together. I am sure that her perfectly laid plan of grabbing coffee with the option to continue to karaoke at a local gay bar was among the best options for an initial greeting-- there was no pressure to continue to make conversation and to click.  There was also so little time between her fielding calls from friends/ angry ex-girlfriends that I barely felt like we really even met. I wonder how her mind is warping the other night today. Has there been a transformation of the conversation into something more intimate than what transpired? Or were my otherwise funny comments now interpreted as immature? Truly, it does not matter outside of me wanting to know how she warped into who she is so that I can ensure that I warp into something different than her.

I had hoped that we would be good new friends. I felt like there would be so much to learn from her and her experiences in the 16 years she has as my senior. Unfortunately, I learned it all in about 30 minutes. I guess it is too true what Hallie used to tell me... the walls have to come down.

*disclaimer: (usually disclaimers should never be used because you know that you are about to say something that you shouldn't) I am not intending in any way to be mean.

Thank you, angry, self-absorbed lady, you have given me more than I had hoped for... reason to be nicer and not so serious.

It seems like there is little to say lately. 


I really need to pick a thesis topic so that I can complete my 10 page submission by November 1st. I had high aspirations. I had high hopes. I wanted to do something so remarkable, insightful and interesting but everything I picked seemed to flop. My latest potential topic, out of desperation, involves a comparison of colon cancer treatments. I have a thing for booties so I hope this one sticks. 


My worries are bigger than the thesis paper. I feel a sense of my youth fading. A lost of the idea that there is still time to change/ make an impact. A 41 year old is hitting on me. She tells me not to worry about her age and I haven't. I hope we can be friends, there is so much that she knows now that I have not figured out yet. 


Otherwise, I keep thinking about timing, confident that in time, it will work itself out. 


A father and a son just rolled passed on a tandem bicycle. The boy was not holding onto the handlebars but he was in the position to let-go.