Flash forward

Seldom in life are you able to see a potential future through others. Or, perhaps we see our future selves constantly and are unable to see the things that we envy or those that infuriate us could be the future us.

Often, I put up walls when I meet people for the first time. It is almost as if I want to be liked so much that I have to put on a fake mask of exaggerated characteristics. That mask is called ass-hole-ish-ness. It is unintentional but results in me appearing, during that critical first impression, as conceited,  angry, righteous, among other undesirable descriptors.

The other day, I went on a meetup with a new friend. She made a horrible first impression. She was absent, self-absorbed, conceited yet interested in getting together. I am sure that her perfectly laid plan of grabbing coffee with the option to continue to karaoke at a local gay bar was among the best options for an initial greeting-- there was no pressure to continue to make conversation and to click.  There was also so little time between her fielding calls from friends/ angry ex-girlfriends that I barely felt like we really even met. I wonder how her mind is warping the other night today. Has there been a transformation of the conversation into something more intimate than what transpired? Or were my otherwise funny comments now interpreted as immature? Truly, it does not matter outside of me wanting to know how she warped into who she is so that I can ensure that I warp into something different than her.

I had hoped that we would be good new friends. I felt like there would be so much to learn from her and her experiences in the 16 years she has as my senior. Unfortunately, I learned it all in about 30 minutes. I guess it is too true what Hallie used to tell me... the walls have to come down.

*disclaimer: (usually disclaimers should never be used because you know that you are about to say something that you shouldn't) I am not intending in any way to be mean.

Thank you, angry, self-absorbed lady, you have given me more than I had hoped for... reason to be nicer and not so serious.

It seems like there is little to say lately. 


I really need to pick a thesis topic so that I can complete my 10 page submission by November 1st. I had high aspirations. I had high hopes. I wanted to do something so remarkable, insightful and interesting but everything I picked seemed to flop. My latest potential topic, out of desperation, involves a comparison of colon cancer treatments. I have a thing for booties so I hope this one sticks. 


My worries are bigger than the thesis paper. I feel a sense of my youth fading. A lost of the idea that there is still time to change/ make an impact. A 41 year old is hitting on me. She tells me not to worry about her age and I haven't. I hope we can be friends, there is so much that she knows now that I have not figured out yet. 


Otherwise, I keep thinking about timing, confident that in time, it will work itself out. 


A father and a son just rolled passed on a tandem bicycle. The boy was not holding onto the handlebars but he was in the position to let-go. 

Old School

Regardless of the environment or task there will always be both old school and new school. Regarding the Coast Guard, old school is the day before you joined and new school is the day after you joined.

Today, Mr. C lecturing without gloves and touching a cadaver with his bare hands while explaining the etiology of a simple pneumothorax was most definitely old school. He wipe the end of his nose and then touch the specimen again... an action that horrified me. Would I touch a dead person's lung without gloves? no. Would I touch a living person's lung without gloves? no. I am new school and happy for it. In the same breath, thank you for you crusty, old, old-schoolers, without your adventure and ingenuity... we would not know about communicable diseases and the need for gloves (amongst other things), thank you.

A Brief Period

I have thought and felt many things for a brief period of time-- happiness, sadness, laughter, love, pride, etc.

I thought I could be an artist for a while and I suppose in many ways, I still want to feel that way. I love to draw and have even at times thought that I was good at it. I have a favorite poet and author but I assume that is not enough to be a true artist.

Often I have felt that things would change in an allotted period of time, as if it were a time issue and not that my priorities were maladjusted at the time that I couldn't find time to do the things that I would do if I had had time at that time. I think the sixth time was an overuse but I wanted to squeeze another into that last ramble.

Today, as with many other days before, I pledge to make time for the things that I want and need to do now, today. 

Houston Astros

I went with Jay to the Astros game the Friday before semester break. We spent a couple joyous hours driving to Houston joking about the endless fields, flat land, poor radio stations and brief thoughts of falling off the edge of the world once we left town.

I cheered for the SF Giants. They lost. Unbelievable.

I refused to sing the Texan pride song which immediately following the 7th inning stretch and actually lasted an out or two into the game. Oh, Texas....

The Debt.

Going to see the debt tonight with Jessica from class.  We learned a little bit about medical research in different classes-- medical history, medical ethics and medical law. 


I hope the film is good. 

Line.

There is not a book that tells you when to stop. When to tap out and leave the game, whatever game that may be. In some ways, we search our whole lives attempting to figure out which battles to fight, which hills to die on, and when to turn the other cheek.

Many poets, songwriters and lovers tell endless stories about the struggle between the 'heart' and the mind. Many lives were lived focusing on satisfying one over the other. Romeo, Juliet, Hitler, Spartans and Martin Luther King, Jr. But where was the line that they found... where is that spot in the sand... when was the moment that they decided they needed to stop? and why?

I think it is possible to spend your entire life loving somebody who does not even know you exist-- hello, have you ever heard a country song?!

Seriously though... where is that line? How many times can a person be shrugged off before they stop attempting to be a friend?